Wednesday, February 25, 2009

They Are All Scammers!!!

I think I actually miss the days when people would call you on the phone and come to your door, and actually, honestly and straight forward, tell you that they had something to sell you. Once you knew what the hell it was they wanted, you would say,
"not interested", and hang up or shut the door respectively.

Now that the (totally and completely obsolete) "DO NOT CALL LIST" has been created, everyone who calls is looking for loopholes and practically speaking in tongue so as to foncuse the few brain cells you have left, really mess with you so that you don't know what the hell they are after.

Are you really a charity?
Are you really a non-profit organization?
Do I owe you money?
Have we met? Because you are speaking to me like you are my best friend.

Even the mail you get has you foncused...
Envelopes shout out,
Please do not cash that thing, the fine print has you signing up for a five years worth of ham and lobster delivered to your door.

Oh look, "Smarmy, Smarmy, Richman and Associates" think they can accomplish a miracle and get my property taxes reduced for me. I only have to pay them $50,000 to do so.

Really? Okay maybe you should not disregard this one. Although, if you lose your phone service, it will solve the next problem.

Incessant, annoying phone calls.
And how does this happen, I thought I was on the "Do not call list".
Apparently I am mistaken. I must have signed up for the "Feel free to call me anytime, but I am especially available when I have to get my kids ready and out the door to school as well as supper and bed time" list.

They have loopholes my friend. And when they leave a recording that says,
"If you feel you have received this call in error, or would like to be removed from this calling list, please call 1-800-bite me and follow the instructions".

Do not fall for this one!!!

Have you done this, and then realized that you are now removed from one list, but 10 more have creeped up on you? You are not hallucinating. Because in order to be removed from a list, they prompt you to offer the phone number you wish to be removed, you are now actually giving them permission to have that number and sell it to the highest bidder of every other annoying telemarketing company.

I have had conversations with service representatives like this,

"Hello, welcome to {We thought we could get you to pay for worthless sh#% you do not need} company - how can I help you?"

"Yes, I would like to be removed from your calling list, because I already have all the worthless sh#% I need."

"Sure, I just need the phone number you want removed."

"Well you already have it, because you call it every day, five times a day."

"Yes, but that is automated, so I need you to reference it for me."

"You just called me, so why don't you reference it for me."

"Umm, no I really need it, if you want to be removed."

(This is where I call them on their game)

"Well I know, that by actually giving you my phone number, blah blah blah..."

(loooooooooong pause) "Ummm, let me look at my computer. Is your number 1234567?"

"Oh, I see you do have it... remove me please, and you do not have my permission to sell my phone number..."

Since the greatest invention ever, caller ID, I mostly do not answer the phone. Majority of the time, they do not leave a message, they just call you ad nausea. Sometimes I do catch a message playing and it just encourages that state of foncusion I spoke about earlier.

"Hi, Orah. Hey how are you? Seems like we keep missing each other. This is uhh, Dick Hertz from HSBC bank. Yeah, Mike told me to call you, I don't know if you got his letter in the mail? He sent you some pre-approval to help out with the interest. So I am just calling again, cuz I may have missed your return call. I will be here all day today, and when you call, we can go over the details. I am looking forward to talking to you about this great opportunity for you and the family. In fact, let me leave my cell number, I would hate to miss your call again..."


They leave messages now, like you have already been conducting business with them and they know you on an extremely personal level. I feel like I may have Bar-b-q'd with Dick Hertz last summer. But then I realize, no, nope - just another "lower your interest offer'
"refinance your mortgage"
"get out of debt"

But now they are coming to the door and foncusing the hell out of me.

On Friday, my doorbell rang. My husband was due home any minute from work, but when he is not home, I do not open the door for complete strangers. But I looked through the window, and in my pre-Sabbath preparations stupor, I thought I was seeing a delivery guy who needed me to sign for a package, so I opened the door.

Then I realized, his lovely "Company Logo" embroidered hat and jacket were not representative of any delivery service I had known.
He was from the "U.S. Energy Savings Corp."

So while he was flipping through a huge clip board full of laminated papers and hardly making eye contact with me and talking in a professional macho voice, he went on with his official shpiel...

"Hi, I am Frank. This is my area to cover for the Gas company. Pretty much I ascertain that you are not overpaying for your Gas from "People's Gas" which is the local gas provider of this area. I just need to see a recent Gas bill from "People's Gas" and I can determine if their rate is indeed appropriate..."

"So, who are you then..."

"Well, pretty much, "People's Gas supplies the gas to you, but we own the gas, and all I need is a recent gas bill..."

"Can I see that badge around your neck?"

(Now losing his professional tone and sounding more like an insecure a-hole)
"Heh, heh, this is not such a great picture of me."

Uhh not the point, I was not trying to ascertain whether you are photographically worthy of my latest "male model" business venture.

What I did "ASCERTAIN" is that. I have no idea what U.S. Energy Savings Corp. is. Even if it is a real company, I do not know that you really work for them. Anyone can buy the hat and jacket and have it embroidered and anyone can make a laminated I.D. badge. And I "asCERTAIN"ly will not be handing you my recent Gas Bill full of information that you are not privy to.

So I asked him to come back in an hour. I did not do this because I really wanted him to come back in an hour, but after he said, "alright", I wanted to see if he actually would.

He did not.

Even though his wording the whole time was very specifically thought out, to foncuse me into thinking that he was doing good work, making sure "People's Gas" was not overcharging it's customers. And that he was ONLY there to make sure from our bill, that we were in fact deserving of a lower rate, he failed to mention the following.

U.S. Energy Corp. is just another business trying to sell a service. They want you to sign a five year contract with a locked in gas rate. This locked in gas rate, might be beneficial, IF and only IF, the local gas company raises their rates. And if the local gas company should lower their rates, you will certainly be screwed, because you sold your soul to the devil and locked yourself into a different (higher) rate for at least five years.


Could you have not just said all that, Frank?

I so hope that none of my neighbors actually handed over their personal gas bills to you. But I can only be responsible for myself.

Telemarketers and door salesman used to only be annoying. But now they are annoying and nothing less than Scam Artists.

Is there such thing as, "Do not attempt to go to the door of Orah F." list?

Like it would help anyway, they would probably stand on the public sidewalk in front of the house and pelt the door with rocks - LOOPHOLES!!!

(By the way, I am not dyslexic. "FONCUSED" is just my thing - to emphasize how confusing something is.)

4 have shown Orah a little love:

Heidi @ Tayterjaq's Rebels said...

We almost never even answer our phone and it if wasn't for the convienence of having a fax machine when needed, I would be dropping the home number in a heartbeat. I am so tired of 10,000 stupid people calling my house trying to get something from me.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for clarifying "foncused", I was starting to think that I was dyslexic. I absolutely abhor the people that come to my door trying to get me to buy something or buy their service. Unfortunately for them, I am not nearly as nice as u are, I pretty much slam the door in their faces or dont even bother opening the door - which is def the more safer route when hubby is not home. As far as phone calls go, I also adore caller ID, and speaking of which, who is Israel Stark and why did HE call me today? Hmmmmmm!
- Miss S.

Candice said...

That's why I don't answer the house phone or answer the door. I'm not a hermit, I'm just antisocial to people selling crap.

Sue me. said...

Soooooo true!