Monday, October 26, 2009

My Excuse





Sunday, October 18, 2009

I Am On a High!

Hi! I'm Orah. Welcome to my blog.

Where I watch the news so you don't have to.

I will not give the Henne family one more minute of attention.
(Well, after this one more minute of course)

Let me just say, like many others


In my last post, which was written and posted within an hour and a half of discovering Falcon safely at home where he claimed to be hiding in a cardboard box in the attic,

I called it a HOAX.

Before balloon boy vomited twice the next day, on two separate morning shows when asked why he was hiding, before he stated on Larry King,
"We did it for the show..."

I said, that his whack job of a father hid him and CONVENIENTLY called a TV station helicopter instead of a Police or Fire rescue chopper to track his son "flying" in a balloon, to get himself some

I also saw some of his video scripted movie footage of the "mistaken" balloon launch, and let me just say,
his wife is not a very good actress, and his timing was off.

He yelled,
"Didn't I tell you not to let go of the (expletive) tethers."

At which point, she THEN let go of the (expletive) tethers and said, in a tiny voice,
"oh no."

They were already on a reality TV show called "Wife Swap" twice - where this "Bad Dad" displays much more questionable behavior for the cameras.

He met his wife in "acting" class.

He has been shopping around his own
"Reality TV Show" idea about the "Wacky and Crazy Henne Scientists", which was nixed by TLC.

And then he claims this was not a Hoax, because what would he gain from it...

Uh, I'm gonna go out on a limb here.....


I'll give you some attention FREAK.

And my attention comes in the form of a wiffle stick beating your A$$ for stealing hours of my life as I worried sincerely about a child who was not even my own.

I am on my way to Colorado and I want those hours back...
Oh, you better run.
And now I move on to this guy!

How ironic that he is referred to as a "Justice of the PEACE".

Where is the peace? Where is the love? Where is the lack of racism?

You claim not to be a racist, because, according to you racism implies,
"hating blacks"
"not treating everyone equally"

How is it treating everyone equally, if you choose to marry only same race couples and not mixed couples?

I mean, am I the retard here?

Because I watched the video, and I think you may have some wires crossed in that small brain of yours.

(I do not mean to offend any developmentally disabled people)

But, how slow are you? Are you drinking water from the Louisiana Bayou? Because, I hear that water can cause you to have some gnarly "offspring".

Oh, now I get it. Your parents drank from the Louisiana Bayou, and thus - you would be their "offspring".


Seriously, I do need to stop watching so much news. But the media makes it sooo much fun, because they never report on anything "seriously important" anymore. So, if it's not really "news worthy" news, that means I get to make fun of it. And I love making fun of people like Keith Bardwell.

"Everyone hates [you] and [you] don't know why."



Well, at least you love yourself.



Thursday, October 15, 2009

"Balloon" Boy Turns Out To Be "Cardboard Box" Boy

Did I just waste hours of my life, or did I just waste hours of my life?

My affinity to being a "News" whore has gotten out of hand.

Unfolding Hostage crisis?

I am there.

High School killing spree?

I am glued.

Plane crash in Hudson?

Where's the remote at?

Hour long car chase on the "94"?

Uhhh , I don't do car chases. Time to take a potty break.

Balloon Boy?

Who saw this one coming?

I had a long night last night. Bam was not cooperating and chose to wake every two hours. And while he was actually sleeping , he would whimper in his sleep, causing me that sudden jolt of heart arrhythmia just as I was falling into blissful sleep. Hun was out of town the past two days. I had plenty to do today, but not much desire, strength or will to do it.

I spent the better part of the morning working on a fund raising letter, jogging on a treadmill, taking care of a gassy baby and chauffeuring Ate to and from school. I was so consumed by my morning activities, I did not really sit down and eat. So after I brought Ate home and got him into bed for a nap, followed by an overtired sleeping baby, at about 1:45 I decided to sit down in front of MSNBC with my Ceareekamole salad. (That is what I call it when it encompasses Caesar, Greek and Guacamole on account of the Caesar croutons and dressing, Feta cheese and avocado.)

Before I knew it, I was watching an oversized, helium filled Mylar balloon, cascading through the sky boarded by the words "Breaking News".

Ooh - what is that? Orah's entertainment for the next FEW minutes?

I am a bit embarrassed to admit, I did not get up from my seat until 4:20. And furthermore, I was giving a play by play account on Facebook to my friend who was at work and therefore not in the vicinity of televised news.

Who am I kidding? She could care less. I was "status updating" to anyone who could hear my cries of astonishment and nausea.

I was LITERALLY sick to my stomach. I was so scared for a six year old boy who was thought to be flying at least 1000 feet up in an escaped, family "science project" over Colorado.

Was he going to freeze up there in the colder air? Was he unconscious from the change in atmosphere. Did he pass out from lack of Oxygen? Was he crying for his Mommy in a funny chipmunk voice due to Helium inhalation? Did he have altitude sickness? Was he sitting in a pile of vomit from motion sickness?
(All kidding aside, it was less than funny at the time. I would not have referred to him as "Balloon Boy" at the time.)

I was beside myself. I was a nervous wreck. It was as if I was watching my own 6 year old child floating away through a time/space continuum.

My friends were telling me to get a life. They were cajoling me to divert my attention to something else. We tried to refer to "Coffee Talk" with Linda Richmond...

A peanut is neither a pea or a nut...


A shoetree is neither a shoe or a tree...


But all I could think of ......... a balloon is neither a ball or a loon,

at which point, via DISCUSSION, my friend did refer to me as a loon.

I was even offered an on the spot intervention (which I do need).

My children were all accounted for, asleep or in school. At least I hoped this was the case. I mean, I had no tethered, helium filled balloons in my backyard for anyone to crawl into.

So I was free and clear to keep my eyes affixed to a flying ......... uh wait .....I mean, slowly spinning ............ uh, now softly dropping ......... silvery deflating balloon.

And the news channel had warned that if the balloon looked as if it would crash, they would cut the feed until they were assured of the boy's safety. But they lied.

I saw it drop. I saw authority figures walk over to this odd looking apparatus. I saw one guy hacking at it with a shovel. I saw NO child emerging, unscathed.

WHERE IS THE BOY??? Oh My G-d, did the poor thing fall out somewhere? I can not rest until they find the child.

But alas, I had to shut the TV (which I do not have on while my children are at home, awake and in need of attention). But the Internet became my new drug of choice. The Internet became my best friend. In the midst of supper making and homework doing .... the news came in -


In a cardboard box ..... in his garage.

After half a second of gratefulness for his health and well being, I was sort of disappointed. (Admit it - you all were too.)

I mean, I certainly wanted him to be okay, but where was this mysterious bottom compartment that he "climbed" into?

Where was the "piece" of balloon that witnesses (including a Deputy Sheriff) claim to have seen fall from the balloon?

And the background of this family........

Dad was a storm chaser. They are an "adventurous" family. They are Science geeks lovers. They were on an episode of "Wife Swap"?

Could they have swapped their son, (who for a flying boy had the most perfect name, Falcon) and covered it up with the ol' "oversized balloon distraction"? I mean, a woman recently swapped two children for a cockatoo, so anything is possible (seriously, I have to lay off the news).

Dad WAS the one who called "KUSA" news station as soon as the balloon took flight and asked them to track it. Did he do this because he was, like the rest of us, under the false impression that his son was in flight? Or did he do this just after he hid his son in a cardboard box in the garage so he could gain attention for his wonderful family science project? I mean, why a "news" station? Don't the Colorado Police and Fire Rescue dispatch their own helicopters?

I still think there are a lot of unanswered questions. And when all the kids are back in bed, I expect MSNBC to have the answers.

I do not blame the child, though. Poor thing. If I untethered the object that my father was working on for months while neglecting me and paying me no attention, and watched it float away - I would hide too if I thought that my father then called the cops on me.

Speaking of neglecting children and paying them no attention, I better go now. There is no telling where my kids would hide if they "accidentally" deleted this post.

I mean, I am not THAT neglectful and inattentive, even if I DID miss Bam roll over for the first time while watching "Balloon Boy".

"Ballon Boy"?

More like "Cardboard Box" Boy.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Love Me Some Fat Babies

Baby Alex Lange with Mother Kelli Lange

This baby is 4 months old and weighs 18 pounds.

He was (originally) denied medical insurance coverage due to his "fat" tushy. I think they referred to baby fat as a "pre-existing condition"

Is the inability to distinguish between obesity and baby fat a pre-existing condition? Because if it is, then the folks at Rocky Mountain Health Plans should be denied coverage as well.

This baby is ALSO 4 months old and ALSO weighs 18 pounds.

He is also 27 inches long and in the 97th percentile for size of babies at this age.

Funny thing - we also call him "chunky monkey" just like the parents of FAT baby Alex do.

I think the insurance company should thank me and offer me a reduced rate for toting around 18 pounds on a regular basis. This causes my biceps to become more accentuated and allows me to burn calories as I build muscle, making me a much healthier individual, almost guaranteeing that Insurance company I call my own will NEVER have to pay out for my growing (or shrinking) healthy physique.

Fat babies really = a win win situation for the Insurance companies, the way I see it.

I guess they saw it too, which is why they changed their policies to include fat HEALTHY babies.

I mean, my 18 pound is very health conscious -

What is that saying?

"An apple a day keeps the Doctor away."

Monday, October 12, 2009

Death Be Not Proud.

"They found her limp and lifeless body under a heap of clothing..."

That may be how my obituary begins.

"She keenly decided that pre, during, and post a significant Holiday while her children were off of school, would be an ideal time to embark on a major overhaul of her upstairs sleeping quarters. That decision may have led to her sudden and unexpected demise due to the tornado of apparel that threw her over and suffocated her..."

Oooh, who wrote this obituary? It is excellent, if I do say so myself.

"She is survived by her loving husband, now and forever adorned in wrinkled shirts and tattered pants. She is also survived by three children between the ages of 7 and 3 who do not know where to sleep because they can not locate their beds, and is also survived by one naked baby."

I will not break. The kids will be back in school tomorrow. I will complete my mission. I will be able to see my upstairs floor again. I will be able to walk through the hallway without setting off one of the many "clothing" mines. I do not have an assistant. I do not have a secretary. I am one person, taking on a mission meant for an army. Wow, the idea of polygamy and taking on more wives suddenly became appealing. Have I gone insane? Maybe! I mean, I am rambling on and on.

Let me backtrack.

I have five bedrooms upstairs. One is the master bedroom, leaving four more. A small bedroom next to mine has a crib in it that is not being used. Next to this much needed crib is a mattress on the floor that Ate calls his bed.

Diagonally across from this small bedroom is a modest sized room with a lovely white bunk bed that I purchased shortly after Ro was born with the idea that two sisters could share a room. Ro calls the bottom bunk hers and the top bunk has remained empty. There is also a lovely pull out trundle for prospective overnight visitors. The joint living did not come to fruition because So wakes up at the crack of dawn and Ro would like NOT to wake up at the crack of dawn. But So is bored and needs a playmate at the crack of dawn they now go to the same school and have to wake at the same time anyway, so may as well open up this new can of worms.

Through another door from this room, is a connected bathroom which is referred to as a "Jack and Jill" bathroom, because it has another doorway to a bedroom further down the hall. That bedroom would be So's room until now.

Across from So's bedroom is one final bedroom that is decorated nicely and is off limits to children. It has it's own bathroom and is currently reserved for guests. However, all my guests become relegated to one of two guest bedrooms in the basement because my upstairs guest room seems to have become a HUGE walk in storage closet.

To further confuse you, I also have bedroom furniture in my garage. It is a dresser to be more precise. I have been refurbishing it for two years. More accurately, I sanded off the ugly brown shade from the dresser two years ago and then got caught up in this thing called "LIFE" and have yet to return to sand the drawers, the frame around the mirror, prime and paint white and find some lovely/girly hardware to finish it off. If I would only do that, my garage would not look like it wants to be an eighth bedroom and the girls would have more appropriate storage so my hall would not look like a minefield.

Partly, I blame my parent's 16 months of living here with half of their home's contents taking up space in my home, for all the mess that I am inundated with, but that is because I pretty much blame my parents for EVERYTHING. (Who doesn't?)

Anyway, if you did your math, you would realize that I have four children and in addition to the master bedroom, I have four more bedrooms upstairs that have the ability to restrain house each of the aforementioned children. But, I do not want my children to take the gift of "space" for granted. I do not want them to be spoiled by the freedom that comes with unshared space.

And so, to punish myself indefinitely teach my children what it means to live cordially amongst others, So and Ro will now move in together. Ate will move into So's former room. And Bam will move into the very empty and available crib in Ate's former room so that Hun and I could live cordially amongst ourselves.

And by punishing myself, I refer to the resurrection of an old sitcom called "The Odd Couple" which I expect to be playing every night and every morning in the bedroom that will officially be shared by my Felix (aka. Ro) and my Oscar (aka. So), and I suspect this sitcom will not be as funny.

Ro probably has some obsessive compulsive personality traits. She lines her shoes up and makes her bed in the morning ...... and makes it again.......... at night, before she gets in it. And then she attempts to make it while she is actually IN IT. She does not like things in middle of her floor, and she has a tissue box on her bed at all times (just in case) and an empty one next to it where she may dispose of her used tissues.

So is ..... how can I say this mildly about a child who I LOVE ...... a slob. This trait of So's is probably directly related to her creative mind. She has a mind that never shuts off. It is all over the place. It is always coming up with exceptional ideas and amazing projects. This includes, but is not limited to a closet project that caused her closet door to miraculously come off its track, when she thought hangers could be arranged to liken a robot.

I decided to pair up this "odd" couple, just this last week, because I wanted the novelty of it to wear off before school resumed. My original timeline was to pair them up during the weeks between camp and school, but if you remember, I was dealing with a nasty
plague infesting So's head, and although I do try to teach my children to share ..... there are some exceptions.

Besides for the actual room they are now sharing, they are going from two closets to just one closet. This is where I really have my work cut out for me. Especially since THAT dresser is still sitting in the garage.

In addition to just changing over their rooms and habits, I also have to set Ate up in So's old room and set Ate's old room up to accommodate a baby. I am still changing over Summer to Winter (please tell me I am NOT the only one still doing this). I still have maternity clothing to put away (which my mother has voiced, should NOT be put away and SHOULD be utilized real soon. So I asked my 70 something year old mother if she was trying to give me another sibling and was looking to borrow some maternity clothing. She was not amused. Neither was I.)

I just returned from "The Container Store" where I burned a hole through my credit card. And my overhaul is in full gear. When I am done and everything is in it's proper place, I will then lock up every closet and drawer and prevent every person in this home from living like a normal functioning human being so that NO new mess can be made. Because the idea that my family may never notice the recognizable smell of a decaying corpse and not even notice that their wife and mother has been missing for some time under a mess of clutter and clothing is just too ghastly to consider, even for me. That Death, be not proud.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009



Seasonal Affective Disorder, that is.

While this disorder implies that during the colder, cloudier, sun lacking months, people are actually sad and depressed, I personally do not feel sad about anything, except that I have to spend roughly an hour bundling my kids every time we walk out the door.

However, I have much less energy this time of year, which I completely blame on the lack of sun.

I realize there are people who always have bountiful energy levels, no matter what the weather, but I figured there were many like me who are moving at snails pace during these inevitable Chicago gloomy months.

But then two years ago I had a blood test and found out that I actually was Vitamin D deficient. The interesting thing about this blood test two years ago... It was taken in January, but the hospital had a new system of delivering the results via Internet, that I was not completely made aware of. I thought I would receive results in the mail if there were any abnormalities, as is usually the case. When I received nothing, I continued on with my mundane, low energy exerting life.

Then I had a repeat test in August, after two months (at least) of SUN, glorious SUN, and my Doctor said,

"I guess the supplements were helpful".

"Huh, what supplements?"

"Didn't you get the Vitamin D. supplements that I suggested, due to your Vitamin D. deficiency?"

"Huh, what vitamin D. deficiency?"

Apparently, my supplement came in June and July by way of a HOT, UV ray spewing, cancer causing, ball of gasses and fire.

So the next fall, I decided to take Vitamin D. supplements, which may help, but I can tell you (because we went to Miami last year) nothing compares to the Vitamin D. one gets from the Sun. I don't care if you drink milk directly from the utter of a cow, or down Vitamin D. supplements like they have "Vicodin" written all over it, the Sun is poignant when it comes to soaking up the "D".

I needs me my Sun fix!!!

A few summer's ago, one of my friends attempted to scold me for conveniently "forgetting" to apply sunblock to my children's exposed skin before they went outside.

It can not be done - scolding me, that is. I do not accept scolding for the wise choices I make.

First off, I do apply sunblock to my kids, part of almost every day of the summer months. I do take skin cancer seriously.


I also realize the benefits of the sun.

When an article came out, shortly after the attempted scolding incident, about the rise of "Rickets" in children and the rise of Vitamin D. deficiency in children - in the US of A, my friend was embarrassed of her scolding ways.

(There are so many articles I will not link just one, but google "Rickets on the rise" and you can read if you like)
Rickets is a "soft bone" disorder. It used to exist, mainly in Countries where malnutrition was inevitable. It can happen to infants when expectant mothers have vitamin D. deficiency and continues when children are not drinking enough milk or getting enough sun. Vitamin D. is necessary for the proper absorption of calcium. And calcium is necessary for ensuring the development of strong bones.

Personally, I do not think that lack of milk, is the real culprit. I think we have become a society that becomes afraid of any possibility of Cancer, and we take extreme measures. But I always carry the belief, that everything that exists in the world can be BOTH harmful and beneficial. It is a game of measurement, really.

We used to lack the degree of technology we have today, and technology has been beneficial to us greatly. But it has also been hazardous.

I know this, because growing up, when my father left work between 5 and 6 pm, he was DONE and could relax and spend time with his family. But now, how many people leave work with a phone still attached to their ear? They get home and check their e-mails. They put the kids to bed and then ignore their wives, because they love their lap- top. (I mean, NOT my husband, ahem, ahem...)

(okay - I realize that this post has taken an unexpected turn, so I will move back to SAD)

So many kids are spending way too much time indoors with their WII's and Playstations and not enough time worshiping the Sun. (Worship may be a little strong, but go out and ride a bike.)

And when they are out in the sun, their pores are submerged in chemically concocted UV ray blocking lotions.
So the new recommendation is to allow yourself and children to be exposed to the sun for approximately 20 minutes a day when the sun is not at it's peak.

But this time of year, in my City - there is no sun. It has gone to the other side of the world (to be scientifically correct, the other side of the world has gone to the sun, but, you know .... blogging license).

And I hope Australia is NOT taking it for granted. I want my sun back ... or a trip to Australia, because beggars can't be choosy.

For me personally, there is no substance, milk or supplements, that gets absorbed like the Sun does. I will pop my Vitamin D. pills in the mean time. I will kick my own ass into high gear, getting myself to jog, forcing myself out the door where I am met by gloom and miserable weather conditions. I will allow my children to be my "sunshine" in the morning.

But you better be kind to MY sun, Australia, and New Zealand, and Aboriginal People. Because, I want it back in pristine condition. And I want it back even BETTER than we had it this past summer. I want it back just raining down oodles and oodles of Vitamin D.

I am kind of SAD. Because I miss my Vitamin D.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The Cook Is Back!

It seems it is about a year since I began this blog and I have to say,


When I initially started, it was also in the midst of our fall Holiday season and it took time to become consistent, much like right now.

This weekend begins the eight day Holiday of Sukkos.

Long story short - when we Jews were running for our lives out of Egypt (Passover story) we had to wander a desert for 40 years. In this desert, we dwelled in huts. We commemorate this time by building ourselves a hut, typically in our backyards, and we eat our meals in this hut.

The hut can be made out of any material, so long as it is an appropriate height, has at least 3 walls and the top is covered in a natural resource, such as bamboo or evergreen leaves. The hut is supposed to feel like our home, so we decorate it as well. It mostly will end up resembling a cabana decorated like a Christmas tree.

And to pre-empt some questions.

Yes, if it is bitter cold one must still eat in the Sukkah (only men over 13 are actually REQUIRED to eat in the Sukkah). However, if there is torrential downpours of rain, we may retreat to our home.

I remember years that we were eating with winter coats, scarves and gloves, which may be how this year is looking. However, other years, it was so hot - we were running from bees.

Anyway - this has all just been some side information to my point.

I will be cooking ONLY one meal out of four (in the first days of Sukkos). But, that meal consists of 15 adults and 9 children.

Normally, this would not phase me, but herein lies the problem.

I am a bit rusty in the kitchen.

Until last December, my parents were living with me for 16 months. I did some Holiday cooking and Sabbath cooking, but it was always shared by my Mother's input. In December, when they left - I was already 4 months pregnant and I pretty much only cooked for my immediate family of 5, which is no biggie. I would have loved to have company more often, but

1. I had a major aversion to raw chicken and meat, so all chicken and meat was purchased already cooked.

2. I get major sciatica if I stand for long periods of time, so I could not spend consistently long amounts of time cooking around my kitchen.

In May, I had a baby, and I already know by my fourth child, that it will take me approximately 3 months to really learn my baby and get back to myself. Meaning, do I have a baby that has a mild temperament allowing me to get things done? I DO! And, am I getting "enough" sleep and did my energy level return so that I can be productive? Yes, and Yes!

So, that brings me to the beginning of October, and I feel like I have not embarked on such a mission for almost two years.

I know how to cook, but where have I been for almost two years? What have we been eating? Where are all my "special" recipes? I have to pull out the big guns now. I have people to impress.

(Really, I am not the sort of person who EVER feels the need to impress, it will suffice that everyone finds the food tasty and does not come down with food poisoning.)

So, I will be busy for the next two days, and maybe, just maybe I will become one of "those" people who takes pictures of her food and posts it on a blog for people who can only look and salivate over something they were not invited to eat.

Wish me luck!