Thursday, October 15, 2009

"Balloon" Boy Turns Out To Be "Cardboard Box" Boy

Did I just waste hours of my life, or did I just waste hours of my life?

My affinity to being a "News" whore has gotten out of hand.

Unfolding Hostage crisis?

I am there.

High School killing spree?

I am glued.

Plane crash in Hudson?

Where's the remote at?

Hour long car chase on the "94"?

Uhhh , I don't do car chases. Time to take a potty break.

Balloon Boy?

Who saw this one coming?

I had a long night last night. Bam was not cooperating and chose to wake every two hours. And while he was actually sleeping , he would whimper in his sleep, causing me that sudden jolt of heart arrhythmia just as I was falling into blissful sleep. Hun was out of town the past two days. I had plenty to do today, but not much desire, strength or will to do it.

I spent the better part of the morning working on a fund raising letter, jogging on a treadmill, taking care of a gassy baby and chauffeuring Ate to and from school. I was so consumed by my morning activities, I did not really sit down and eat. So after I brought Ate home and got him into bed for a nap, followed by an overtired sleeping baby, at about 1:45 I decided to sit down in front of MSNBC with my Ceareekamole salad. (That is what I call it when it encompasses Caesar, Greek and Guacamole on account of the Caesar croutons and dressing, Feta cheese and avocado.)

Before I knew it, I was watching an oversized, helium filled Mylar balloon, cascading through the sky boarded by the words "Breaking News".

Ooh - what is that? Orah's entertainment for the next FEW minutes?

I am a bit embarrassed to admit, I did not get up from my seat until 4:20. And furthermore, I was giving a play by play account on Facebook to my friend who was at work and therefore not in the vicinity of televised news.

Who am I kidding? She could care less. I was "status updating" to anyone who could hear my cries of astonishment and nausea.

I was LITERALLY sick to my stomach. I was so scared for a six year old boy who was thought to be flying at least 1000 feet up in an escaped, family "science project" over Colorado.

Was he going to freeze up there in the colder air? Was he unconscious from the change in atmosphere. Did he pass out from lack of Oxygen? Was he crying for his Mommy in a funny chipmunk voice due to Helium inhalation? Did he have altitude sickness? Was he sitting in a pile of vomit from motion sickness?
(All kidding aside, it was less than funny at the time. I would not have referred to him as "Balloon Boy" at the time.)

I was beside myself. I was a nervous wreck. It was as if I was watching my own 6 year old child floating away through a time/space continuum.

My friends were telling me to get a life. They were cajoling me to divert my attention to something else. We tried to refer to "Coffee Talk" with Linda Richmond...

A peanut is neither a pea or a nut...


A shoetree is neither a shoe or a tree...


But all I could think of ......... a balloon is neither a ball or a loon,

at which point, via DISCUSSION, my friend did refer to me as a loon.

I was even offered an on the spot intervention (which I do need).

My children were all accounted for, asleep or in school. At least I hoped this was the case. I mean, I had no tethered, helium filled balloons in my backyard for anyone to crawl into.

So I was free and clear to keep my eyes affixed to a flying ......... uh wait .....I mean, slowly spinning ............ uh, now softly dropping ......... silvery deflating balloon.

And the news channel had warned that if the balloon looked as if it would crash, they would cut the feed until they were assured of the boy's safety. But they lied.

I saw it drop. I saw authority figures walk over to this odd looking apparatus. I saw one guy hacking at it with a shovel. I saw NO child emerging, unscathed.

WHERE IS THE BOY??? Oh My G-d, did the poor thing fall out somewhere? I can not rest until they find the child.

But alas, I had to shut the TV (which I do not have on while my children are at home, awake and in need of attention). But the Internet became my new drug of choice. The Internet became my best friend. In the midst of supper making and homework doing .... the news came in -


In a cardboard box ..... in his garage.

After half a second of gratefulness for his health and well being, I was sort of disappointed. (Admit it - you all were too.)

I mean, I certainly wanted him to be okay, but where was this mysterious bottom compartment that he "climbed" into?

Where was the "piece" of balloon that witnesses (including a Deputy Sheriff) claim to have seen fall from the balloon?

And the background of this family........

Dad was a storm chaser. They are an "adventurous" family. They are Science geeks lovers. They were on an episode of "Wife Swap"?

Could they have swapped their son, (who for a flying boy had the most perfect name, Falcon) and covered it up with the ol' "oversized balloon distraction"? I mean, a woman recently swapped two children for a cockatoo, so anything is possible (seriously, I have to lay off the news).

Dad WAS the one who called "KUSA" news station as soon as the balloon took flight and asked them to track it. Did he do this because he was, like the rest of us, under the false impression that his son was in flight? Or did he do this just after he hid his son in a cardboard box in the garage so he could gain attention for his wonderful family science project? I mean, why a "news" station? Don't the Colorado Police and Fire Rescue dispatch their own helicopters?

I still think there are a lot of unanswered questions. And when all the kids are back in bed, I expect MSNBC to have the answers.

I do not blame the child, though. Poor thing. If I untethered the object that my father was working on for months while neglecting me and paying me no attention, and watched it float away - I would hide too if I thought that my father then called the cops on me.

Speaking of neglecting children and paying them no attention, I better go now. There is no telling where my kids would hide if they "accidentally" deleted this post.

I mean, I am not THAT neglectful and inattentive, even if I DID miss Bam roll over for the first time while watching "Balloon Boy".

"Ballon Boy"?

More like "Cardboard Box" Boy.

4 have shown Orah a little love:

Rayli said...

hahahahaha. I didnt even know all this was going on till i turned on fb and saw your status!!!!

adinab said...

seriously rayli-thank god for orah or when they were talking about him puking live on the today show the next morning i would not have had ANY idea who this balloon boy kid was!!

so thank you, orah, for keeping me updated on all the really important things going on in the world while i'm at work. said...

yep, agree...agree...agree!

did that little bam really roll over? Sweet!

Oh yeah, you are keeping me up on my current events...I read the story of the "fat" baby later that eve.

Crazy world!

Anonymous said...

Dont care too much about balloon boy at this point, but that SALAD sounds delish...all of my faves in it, guac, croutons, feta cheese. YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...any dressing on there??
We all do appreciate your love of all things media, u keep us in the "know." So, thanks!
Just please, please dont miss BAM's first steps or I'm gonna have to sic Linda Richman and her long A$$ nails on your treadmill self!!
- Miss. S