My BEAMER

Ate has a way about him. He typically has me enjoying his company on a regular basis, because he is by nature, a joy.

The other day I was taking him to school and he began to run down the hallway as usual and I waddled behind him, when someone stopped me and said,

"I love watching him come to school, he has this amazing smile and it always makes me feel like it must be a great day".

I thanked her for her compliment, and I thought, yes that is my Ate. We call him a "BEAMER", because he has the most beaming smile. He gets that from my father. Although my mother always points out that as his second name S. was given after my Mother's father, so is his genuine warm and beaming quality. I guess like many women, my Mother married her father. People tell me the same thing about Hun, (that he is very much like MY father).

So then Ate, is a bit of Hun, my Dad and my Mother's Father. I can certainly tell you, that I am not a beamer.

Lately Ate is going through an "I am a doggie" phase. He likes to crawl to you on all fours and his choice of bark is "arf, arf, arf". It kind of took a turn this morning when he decided to lick my cheek. I am not one for cheek licking.

But there is the other side of Ate, which used to be frustrating for me and stressful for me, but now it simply just breaks my heart.

I have mentioned that Ate is literally "anal retentive". He chooses to fight his body's natural urge to release what it needs to and he can do this for days. There is no explainable rhyme or reason for this. I only know that other children (and their parents) go through this same torment and eventually the child should grow out of it.

I give him Miralax in his juice on a regular basis so at some point he can no longer fight the urge. We know EXACTLY when that pivotal moment is. He becomes "Mr. Hyde". He cries and screams and clutches at his diaper and jumps up and down. And all we can do is watch him until that moment when he just loses the fight and goes silent and tells us,

"I.... need.... pyvocee".

And during the actual act, he is his sweet self again.

The whole process is draining and breaks our hearts over and over again. The worst part is that it is unnecessary. He is hurting himself by fighting the body's natural cleaning process. There is nothing I can do to help him, but keep encouraging him that it is okay to let it go.

Because of this phase he has yet to break, I have not really considered toilet training, for fear of traumatizing him further. I do not believe in pushing my children. He will be three in June and I can see that he is understanding cause and effect more and will come let me know when he is ready to pursue other avenues in this area.

This past Monday night was the culmination of one of these anal retentive cycles.

I sat on a chair in the kitchen, reading a book, as I held him near me. I watched as he cried and screamed and clutched. He, intermittently, was concerned about his crying induced runny nose, and at some point asked me to come to the bathroom with him to retrieve a tissue. I obliged, and off we went.

In the bathroom, I saw him eyeing a potty seat that fits over the toilet and I asked him if he would like to sit on it. (He has sat in the past for a few minutes and then cried to have his diaper put back on and got off, never successful in this environment.) But, he asked - so we shall try once again.

He wanted me to stay in the washroom with him and there was not really an appropriate place for me to sit. But I found a small step stool that was only five inches off the floor and I took a seat for what I knew would be a long haul.

Like other attempts at this route in the past, at some point Ate felt the urge again and began to cry and fight it, even asking to have his diaper put back on. While in the past I would give in, I decided to pursue this now because as I saw it, Ate would be crying either way, may as well keep him crying on the toilet.

After about 20 minutes of me practically in a squatting position on a small step stool, he let it go. Of course, in the meantime, other...ahem...parts of him were not really in an appropriate position and the..... well.... the pee hit the fan........and the wall.....and the floor. And after his shock, Ate asked,

"Mommy, can you hold "THIS" down into the toilet"?

At this point, I placed his already wet pajama pants at the front of the toilet seat and helped him out with his....small problem. And he went on with his business.

I already went through the really tough part with Ate, now it was just a matter of waiting until he finished his business and cleaning up, of course. So I called Hun in to take over. And after about 25 minutes in a squatting position on a small step stool with extra weight in my pelvic area and the hormone "relaxin" making me more vulnerable to overstretched ligaments and muscles - I GOT UP AND OH MY G-D!!!

I was in such pain.....

Hun cleaned up (through my pain). We acted all overly-excited for Ate (through my pain). We made a "potty reward" sticker chart for Ate (through my pain). We immediately called the two Grandmothers and an aunt to share the great news (through my pain). We finally put Ate to bed (through my pain). And then I attempted to go to sleep .... very intimately with a hot water bottle might I add (through my pain).

The next day I woke with, guess what?

More freakin' pain!

I literally could not walk. I made Hun stay home for a while that morning helping with the kids. He did carpool at So's school for the first time ever. Then he took Ate and Ro to their school. I spent the entire day very intimately with that hot water bottle. My mom picked Ro and Ate up from school. (Of course, all the pick ups and drop offs by my family members had people wondering.... but no, I am still with child).

So it has been a few days since then, and I am feeling better. I have said goodbye to my hot water bottle. And Ate is showing signs of another impending bout with the fight. I will not be sitting on a step stool. I can tell you that much. But I will attend his fight and encourage him and make sure all important parts are in the right position. And when he is victorious, I will cheer for him and add a sticker to his chart and give him a treat.

And I will enjoy the beaming light from his satisfactory smile all the more, because I have also met "Mr. Hyde". And Ate the "BEAMER" is all the more beautiful.